The Struggle is Real!

Yes, this popped up on my Facebook page as I vacillated between hyperventilating about a project that is darned near impossible for me to figure out and the desire to just go back to bed and sleep, dream, and forget about life! Well, "this" was a cute cartoon and I copied it and now, for the life of me, cannot find where it originated from, so I cannot save it as an image and when I post it here, it's huge...so goes my technologically-impaired day! Can you relate?

So why is it appearing appropriately placed right now? Patience. I didn't cry. Didn't throw anything and didn't go get a Xanax. Just inhaled deeply, waited a few moments and tried another approach. Voila! Success.

That is how today has been. The reality in my head is certainly NOT the reality in my world. In my head, I am thinking about lesson plans, the schedule for Tuesday (did I print it out and where in the world did I put it?), and if I should go to a movie when all my friends are either on vacation, too busy, or not interested to go with me. The real deal is that I am alone today. By myself. Enjoying all the windows opened up for fresh air (hubby loves AC and always has it on 74, cold and unforgiving). I can read anything I want and we have innumerable supplies of books both electronically and paper. It's a beautiful sunshiny day. I have enough food and drink. I am satiated. So why am I so disquieted? Why can I not just enjoy the moment and be content?

My clients will smirk when they read this. Yeah, out of the mouth of a therapist. "I am anxious." I have lived a life of anxiety/depression stemming partly from secondary trauma. Reading the book, Waking the Tiger: Healing Through Trauma is almost too difficult for me. I read a few pages and begin to sing (in my head, mind you) choruses of "Hallelujah"...enjoy Pentatonix's take on the song:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LRP8d7hhpoQ

So I listen to the music loudly. No one is here to tell me to turn it down. Not even my neighbors will venture over to tell me what to do. Deep breath again. Swaying to the music. Putting on my fitbit that is now fully charged. Hey, 67 steps today and I've been up since 6 am. Wonder how many steps I really have today? Probably way less than 1,000. I have allowed my mind to wander and have forgotten to move - this is what happens when I do not move my body. Anxiety and depression move in quickly, so quickly, in fact, that I don't even realize it until I start ruminating and repeating scenarios of despair in my head. Yes, it is time to stop that.

Stand up. Start swinging to the tunes of Pentatonix. Maybe sing the lyrics with them. Think positive thoughts. Smile, even though I may not really be in the mood. More deep breaths. The struggle is real. It really is.